I guess the best way to start a blog would be for me to tell you a little bit about me! I was born in 1964, I was the 4th child of 5 children. My parents are still together and I never really saw them fight. My Mom was a stay at home Mom and did everything she could do for us. My Dad worked and sometimes worked more than one job to keep food on the table. He was your typical male who was raised to believe that it was his job to provide for the family. My older siblings use to tell me that I was adopted and that is why my parents didn't have a baby picture of me from the hospital. They would call me D E V I L which came from initials for names that they came up with for me. Some day I will share my name for those of you who don't know me. But for now I will just leave it like that.
I think I could say that I can remember early in Life that I would hit my head on the wall to try and fill better. Why I just can't tell you. I feel that I had a good childhood. I also remember trying to hang myself when I was a teenager, but of course my Dad came down and asked me if I really wanted to die and cut the cord that was around my neck and replaced his hands around my throat and held me up as he said "Do your really want to DIE?" I think he must have known what the answer would be... Because here I am writing this for your eyes.
Today the father "Daddy" to my kids would have been 51 years old... He died when he was 40 years old almost 41 just less than a month away from his Birthday before he died. I still think about him and wonder if things would be different with me and my kids if he were alive. Don't get me wrong I love my Husband who I have been married to for 6 years now. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't know what I would do to get by some days.
I decided to start this because a friend from FB said it helps her to write it down and get it out. So here is the post that started some of my friends and family to see how real my illness is:
The struggles with mental illness S#ck A$$. I felt like my doctor just
broke up with me. He gave me what I needed then left me High and Dry.
Coming off of an antidepressant is so hard for me I feel like letting
go. I know I never would do that because
I don't think my kids could handle it. So I keep pushing on. I feel like
the more I try to move forward in life the more something gets in the
way and it feels like I cant breath. So what to do.... Just keep pushing
on. Life is what you make of it I know, but when you feel like I do
sometimes escaping is all there is to do!
Also I had to post something else so people didn't get to freaked out:
Going to the Dr. for follow up from surgery. I WILL find me a Head Dr.
YES I WILL... I know that I am a person who needs Meds. some people say
it is all in your head.... Oh what they don't know is how true that
statement is! That is why I don't care what people think and that I put
it out there for the world to read. Bipolar is Real and it takes a Real
person to admit they need help! I am on a high for Life today! And what
u read on my posts is how I feel and I would never take my life for God
gave us his Son Jesus Christ to die for us. And I know it is a sin...
And it would be permanent for something temporary in my head ♥
So this is where I will leave it for now, I hope to try and blog and have a place for people to vent and ask questions. I am a very open and outgoing person I feel that I have more than one side to me. I don't judge and I have always had a BIG heart and open arm policy in my Life. I have been here for so many people and hope that when it comes to it that I will find the help I need in Life. I believe that I am someone who does need medication to be able to get through life and I am not ashamed to admit it. I know suicide is Wrong and I wouldn't do it on purpose, I can't say that I won't die because that isn't my choice, however because I know some things in life happen from mixing things I hope not to do that because in a since it would be like doing it!
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